The Arc of Deception:

From Little Lies to Treachery

“Harmless Little Lies”

Consider these familiar deceptions:

Most of my students described these as “little white lies,” “necessary deceptions,” “harmless fakery,” and “considerate fibs that smooth out life.” But almost one-third told me they were simply "little frauds," "nasty habits," "signs of a weak character." They couldn’t endorse a single example as harmless.

Maybe white lies are becoming more acceptable. That’s the way it seems in my class discussions over the past 20 years. Even those who aspire to a life of integrity admit to using an occasional white lie. On the other hand, few students saw themselves engaging in the following dishonesties or “little cheats” even after I quoted findings on their common occurance in most cultures:

If you’re among the 35% that bends the truth on tax returns, you may think, “Can it be that bad if millions do it?” On the other hand, the more fastidious taxpayer might feel, “why compromise myself for a few bucks?”

These two common dishonesties — the "little cheats" — are driven by a decision to take advantage of institutions. Some see them as little bits of cheating required to survive and compete in modern society. When little cheats are used in social life to take advantage of mates, friends or acquaintances, the picture changes to pathological deception. We dig into that in Level 3.

So white lies and little cheats are quite different. Little cheats are done with awareness that the deception crosses some legal or moral line for personal gain. White lies are justified as protecting someone from a harsh reality — they are done with a sense of kindness, generosity, even responsibility. So the person telling a little white lie believes he or she is performing a bit of caring. Generosity is not the rationale for the litle cheats. Instead it's seen as a harmless way to compete or to get what's owing. Later on, we entertain the probability that both rationales suffer from self-deception: white lies can disguise self-protection in the name of generosity while little cheats reveal our lack of self-confidence, lack of conscience — or both.

The reasons we give for committing these little lies to others and ourselves actually reveal quite a bit about the way we work and get close. Understanding the mechanics of white lies has been a surprising eye-opener for my students. They frequently describe unexpected insight about their interpersonal styles after completing exercises on the white lie.

Getting a handle on the human use of little lies in this workshop is not just about morality or ethical matters. It’s about the practical psychology of knowing when a lie is foolish or absolutely necessary. Our task is to illuminate how things work without much bias or any preaching. [Little White Lies and Brutal Truths and Basically, I’m an Honest Person--to come].

The Big Lie

The next two stories shift our focus toward the obviously big lie that is exposed and backfires on the liar. For us, big lies are those that alter lives dramatically. Think of them as dangerous, costly, big fat lies.

I’m not sure how common it is to think that lies are only costly when discovered. A lie becomes big when it preys on the liar’s conscience or leaves the liar worried about being exposed. (Liars without conscious are another story that we'll get to soon.) It is true that the big lie fails to exact a cost when the victim doesn’t have the slightest suspicion and the liar is a Machiavellian or psychopath who feels little guilt. That combination doesn't happen often. Most of the time, big lies cannot be well maintained by mentally healthy people.

Important lies in important relationships usually crumble in time to expose a nervous liar and the liar's stunned "fool." Becoming someone's fool can bring pain, hate and revenge. Becoming an exposed liar can bring mortification, vulnerability and the desperate urge to cover up with more lies. Most bright people know big lies are unsafe. Knowing that awful outcomes are pretty predictable, why do so many gamble on such bad odds? Taking big risks by deceiving someone important starts with self-deception, desperation and failure in interpersonal intelligence — topics addressed later.The obvious but overlooked point by someone about to make a big lie in an important relationship is the emotional energy needed to maintain deception, manage suspicion and all sorts of little stressors that erode our sense of well-being.

These next two lies look very different, but they are both used cover up shameful behavior — a common cause of big lies.

A traditional cheat with common cover-up: At first the young couple just enjoyed each other’s company and agreed not to get upset about seeing other people. But things changed. During a fight she started about him seeing someone else, he proposed marriage rather than lose her. The bachelor party for this popular guy is going strong with a stripper his friends hired for the night. Now she’s doing a bump-and-grind while the nervous groom drinks too much. Soon his friends and the woman literally push him to join her sexy dancing as she slowly leads him toward the bedroom and they disappear. He surprises himself. The next morning, he’s feeling terrible about what he can remember. And he remembers enough to feel painful regret and foresee the misery it will give his bride-to-be. She’s joked about having him all to herself once they marry. “But last night we weren't married, he rationalizes.But in his heart, the excuse feels lame. “Maybe I’ll tell her some other time. I just can’t do that to her before the ceremony. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” A risky rationale because all the guys believe he cheated and their girlfriends are close to his fiance — increasing the odds of being found out.

A costly cover-up of embarrassing behavior: As the new rabbi rushes out, his secretary stops him: “Oh, Rabbi, don’t forget to visit Mrs. G in the hospital, she’s slipping.” But in a few minutes he does forget. There’s so many stops to make on this terrribly crowded day. Later he learns that Mrs. G has died. The thought of the family’s added pain from his neglect on her last day is unbearable. He’s close to panic when Mrs. G’s son calls about memorial arrangements. Unable to think, he blurts out a big lie about never being told to visit. The son understands and forgives, but when the rabbi's secretary hears, she mentions the awful oversight to others—after all, she’s being blamed for not telling the rabbi. It eventually gets to the synagogue elders. They take it to the congregation who feel a loss of trust not from the rabbi’s forgetting, but from his lie. They terminate him. (Thanks to Rabbi Eli Schochet, who told this story to the Jewish Journal.)

Two Heavy Deceptions: Betrayal & Treachery

Betrayal and treachery: two words among the most evocative in our language. They conjure up the misery when trust is shattered. Sometimes betrayal and treachery are used interchangeably, but that's a mistake because important psychological differences distinguish these two types of ugly deception. Betrayal is the deliberate or careless violation of a trust. Think of dishonoring an important agreement, or breaking an understanding. It creates a breach in human connection. It kills closeness at the same time it belittles its victim. Treachery is worse. It's deliberate and tactical.

Betrayal. Psychologists like to think of betrayal as the violation of a "social contract." I've been trying to avoid that stuffy term which describes the promises, agreements and understandings that undergird every important relationship. But the strict sound of "contract" sharpens the fact that commitments, promises and expectations give shape to our personal lives and careers. If you're thinking that social contracts can be vague, we agree. That's one reason our culture is so muddled when coping with betrayal. We don't do a good job managing the intense emotions it produces. This profound form of deception can leave both its victim and perpetrator undone for a long time.

Social science doesn't tell us much about betrayal, but the essential nature of the chilling act shows when we stop to examine the promises that are betrayed.

Vague & Precise Promises

Whether implicit or explicit, promises made in important relationships establish expectations for safety, pleasure and wellbeing. The implicit kind like vague promises or unspoken assumptions about the future are surprisingly common: "I'll try to do it later on if things look good." Explicit promises about scheduling, money, religious practice, loyalty, honesty and the life are precise. Reached after careful conversation— or a disagreement — sometimes they sound like legalistic agreements. Rarely written, these mutual understandings don't leave much wiggle room: "OK, agreed, after Thanksgiving both of us will stop working Saturday afternoon and spend time with each other."

We label these two types of promises implicit and explicit social contracts:

We focus on the issues of clarity and commitment in social contracts because those fuzzy, implicit contracts are easier to betray: "But I never promised not to. . . ." Implicit contracts give deceivers a handy rationale for taking unfair advantage as well as an excuse if the betrayal is discovered.

On the other hand, explicit promises feel so legalistic that the absence of trust they suggest can trouble a romantic heart. Because they raise the difficult topic of mistrust, they’re difficult to arrange in social life. Prenuptial agreements can be controversial and uncomfortable because some feel such businesslike hardness is contrary to the profound trust of durable love which shouldn't need small print.

Betrayals come in several varieties:

Some sociologists might disagree with the last statement and instead rank non-pathological unfaithful husbands and wives as the largest group of personal betrayers. But betrayal is not the usual label for breaking the social contract of sexual fidelity. Infidelity, cheating, hanky-panky are common words for the most frequent and visible violation of the monogamy promise. These broken social contracts are familiar in both real life and fiction (one study argues that 43% of men report cheating during the first seven years). [Ann, insert latest findings on men/women by end of week].

If you think about the nature of sexual infidelity, it fits the definition of betrayal perfectly — breaking trust in an important relationship. So why don't guys say, "I betrayed her" instead of "I made a mistake," "I committed a little indiscretion," "I fooled around on the side"? Did people use the word betrayal for cheating 50 years ago? My guess is that it's awfully hard to thinking of ourselves or our lovers as betrayers. That's worse than being a liar, which is an unbearable identity for anyone but a Machiavellian. Euphemisms aside, betrayal is a frequent event in modern romance — and only the angry victim calls the violation betrayal.

Being betrayed by a lover can, of course, crush any loyal partner and usually stimulates a wish for revenge. Sometimes that brings violence or abandonment or reciprocation of betrayal: vengeance. When sexual betrayal is deliberately used for revenge, it becomes a form of treachery.

The Epitome of Deception is Treachery

A common form of treachery occurs when a wounded romantic partner openly takes a new lover for revenge. Like most treachery, it’s a hostile form of betrayal that is a tactical attempt to damage. Revenge is often the motive, with the avenger needing to be seen as hurt. The psychology of romantic treachery is often about restoring wounded pride, repairing lowered self-esteem from the humiliation: “Nobody does that to me and gets away with it.” That’s why successful treachery is called “sweet revenge.”

It’s easy to overlook the tragic interpersonal treachery that is a byproduct when someone betrays his country, family, company, etc. Such treason and treachery often sweeps up unsuspecting accomplices whose trust was exploited. These shocked victims can lose their innocence, friend and reputation in a single blow. Wherever it appears, treachery is always a brutal variety of betrayal. Both fit under the rubric of psychological violence.

So our tour of deceiving others has progressed from the simple white lie to premeditated vengeful treachery. Time to proceed to the next level of the writers Deception Workshop.